I’m continually amazed at how different people approach the BDSM lifestyle. Then again I’m boggled at times how stupidly others approach it, and move through it, causing angst, mayhem, and harm for all the rest of us that are trying to treat it with respect and dignity. For every Secretary, there’s at least a hundred (if not a thousand) Fifty Shades of Grey.
My Miss texted me this morning with a tale of current woe, for a mutual acquaintance. Right along the lines of the above observation, hence mostly the reason for this entry.
The gentleman in question, for lack of a better term (and I’m being incredibly charitable), had in the last 24 hours, dumped one BDSM partner (whom btw he’d never met) and moved on to not only proclaim love for (how does one claim love for someone they’ve only started conversing with less than a day ago?) but has supposedly entered into a full blown BDSM relationship. Collar, claiming, ownership, the whole works. Within ONE DAY. How do people do that? Yes, I realize it’s mostly because they have no inkling of what they’re doing, what harm they’re probably causing, and using BDSM as a crutch or the rationale of “it’s something new” to try and replace what they’ve been missing in vanilla relationships. But if you couldn’t make it work the first time, wouldn’t you think perhaps there was something that needed to be changed, looked at, perused, conceptualized, BEFORE doing it again?
This morning just after waking, I was reading the website of a professional dominant in New York City. She had posted a Q&A that people on her website had asked her questions, and she answered them. One of the questions dealt with how she perceives what’s happening in the BDSM scene these days, what with the Fifty Shades phenomena, the stories that keep cropping up in the news about scene relationships gone wrong, usually spectacularly because the people in them don’t know the first thing about RACK or it’s predecessor SSC. One of the points that she made that resonated with me was how much BDSM is looking more and more like porn these days. There are very few websites that focus mainly on BDSM practice without including sex in the scenes that are produced. Yes, I understand “Sex Sells”, but it’s bastardizing the core tenets of what BDSM always has been. There’s nothing in the meaning of the letters (Bondage, Discipline, Sadism, Masochism) that even touches on a sexual act. But so long as the now mainstream BDSM themed websites (Sexually Broken by Insex, or almost any of the Kink.com sites as a quick example) keep driving home the notion that sex and BDSM go together hand and glove to sell their product, it’s going to be further muddied. Fetlife makes it even worse, in that the vast majority of videos, pictures etc. that are posted there are sexually based. Sure there might be someone tied up in the background, a whip might be flicked a few times, a few bruises in evidence, but what happens at the end of the video? Orgasms. Nearly every time.
We’re saying the wrong things. Teaching the wrong things. Regrettably, my voice is a small one in the whole scheme of things. But I’m going to voice it here just the same. For whatever it’s worth.