A little advice?

My blog is public, my girl’s is not.  Consequently I’ll get far more traffic than she ever will, but it ends up usually that I’m the one that reads her posts more than anyone else will for the most part.  However, there’s an issue she’s been dealing with for several months and I’m getting a bit concerned about what all is transpiring.

She has expressed it better than I, so I’ll just post this link.  If you can take the time to read, and perhaps offer some insight, or suggestion, it would be greatly appreciated.

Thank you.

Not a happy sort of anniversary

I’m just adding this as a bookmark of life, as I do on occasion.

November 22 is always a melancholy day for me.  For most people my age and older, it’s a memorable day in the way of remembering a great US President in that it was the day JFK was assassinated in Dallas, TX.  For me, it was the day I lost my adoptive mother.  She was only 59 when she passed away and I still remember the events of the day, at least starting around 10 am.  The day ended up being far more surreal than when it started, and the events in the coming days didn’t make it any better.

Just reminded every year around Thanksgiving that I have a lot more to be thankful for now than I did then.  Having relatives dying around the holidays is about the worst thing that can happen.  Losing people you love is bad enough, but throw in the build up to a holiday, and then have something negative like that occur, and it just blows it all out of the water.

Definitely put a damper on my day.  My girl and my wife did manage to keep my spirits up just the same, but by the same token they mostly left me to my own thoughts, which I appreciate far more.  Even 29 years after the fact, it still hurts.  And when you’re hurting, you do NOT want anyone giving you thoughts and prayers. Or offering condolences, or things of that nature.  Which, coincidentally, is why I stopped posting about it on Facebook…because you invariably get people trying to make you feel better.  When that’s the last thing that you want.  They mean well…but, they just don’t understand.  And I’m beyond trying to make them get it.

And yes, I appreciate whatever positive thoughts you, the reader wish to offer, if any.  But I’m disabling comments here as well…because…I can.  Thanks anyway.

The process of death

Considering what my girl has been going through since last Friday, it’s got me thinking about the whole process of death, dying and what happens after. My own knowledge of it is more traditional, since I’ve endured four close deaths in my family (and several not so close) been involved in the planning, aftermath and details, so I, like most people have a fairly good understanding of what’s all involved in the process. Certainly not enough to be considered an expert mind you, but a sufficient amount to be able to guide a novice through the ebbs and flows, tribulations and pitfalls of it all.  Mostly.  Seeing it through her eyes is giving me a different perspective of what I’ve known and understood.

A lot has been written about ‘The Stages of Grief’, what they are, how to cope and so on, so I’m not going to touch upon them here.

When my parents died, I had a fair amount of support from my family to deal with the aftermath.  What I’m seeing in my girl’s family is quite the opposite.  There’s a lot of infighting going on, and very little in the way of ‘coming together‘ and supporting one another.  Each seems to be left to their own devices, and in my girl’s case, she has me (and her poly family), but I’m not physically close by, so all of our contact is somewhat impersonal.  Texts, phone calls and the like.  I can’t take her pulse, as it were, on how she’s doing moment to moment.  I get it in snippets, usually when her thoughts are going back to last week, and when she found out that her baby was gone.  Then a frantic text message, or something notifying me that I need to talk her down from where she’s at mentally. Dealing with that on a day-to-day basis can be very wearing, not just for her, but for myself as well.

We’ve been getting by, day by day.  As with all aftermath of death and dying, time is the great healer.  Too, if one can immerse themselves in something worthwhile (not necessarily work, but it has been known to help) that does make the time go by faster.  Without these things, one tends to get down into the dumps, dwell on what was, what happened and so on.  My girl has been off work since she found out, her workplace has been very understanding, and has been helpful to her in terms of giving her the time off in order to get affairs in order, get her head screwed back on straight so she can return to them better than she was last weekend.

In that vein, with my assistance, she’s set up a GoFundMe campaign.  The end of life costs exceed her budget and I’m only able to provide nominal assistance in this vein, so we’re hoping the kindness of strangers will assist in getting her daughter the rest she deserves, as well as funding some help for the surviving children.  I don’t normally truck with asking for help arbitrarily, but when you’re strapped, one tends to change their outlook a bit for the sake of the situation.

Every day is a new chance to do it right.  We’re making it together, little by little.  I have confidence she’s going to make it through.  Just have to be sure to convince her as well.  But as she has mentioned recently, I’m stubborn.  So we’ll make it through.

Death in the ‘family’

Picture Credit: OneFemaleCanuck.com

Yesterday was not a good day. For either my girl or myself. I was at work, and checked my messages at lunch, since I don’t carry my phone with me (probably one of the few employees that doesn’t since we’re not supposed to, we signed an agreement not to, and I can be a stickler for that sort of thing). My girl had messaged me around 9 am and it seemed quite urgent (‘Call me please, ASAP’). I called and the first thing I understood was, there’d been a death in her family. Sudden. Unexpected. Tragic. And to make matters worse, it was one of her children.

Everything sort of came to a standstill at that point. What to do? Death sometimes is unexpected, and it creates big problems, especially if you’re in a precarious financial situation. I’m reminded of the time my adoptive mother died, how the funeral home director, (quite callously mind you) directed my grieving father to the ‘high-end’ caskets, figuring he’d make a good sale.

There’s only so much one can do from a distance. If I could, I’d be there already. I’m providing what support I can, but I want to do more. Everything is still very much up in the air, and I don’t want her falling apart in this time of grief and need. Thankfully, she is not alone, she’s staying for the moment with her poly family.

It’s not going to be easy, but as I reassured her last night, we’re going to get through it together.