Happy Anniversary, girl.

It’s been a year since we decided to switch things up. With you taking the bottom role and I being your Top.

We did manage to meet once, back in June. We’d planned for more meetings, but money and life got in the way.

It’s been an interesting journey so far.  I think you can agree to that.  Ups, downs, ins and outs.  We’re working towards our goals, and we’re doing it together.

Happy Anniversary.  1 year down, many more to go.

Baking up a storm (or not)

I may have mentioned this before, but I worked in a semi-commercial bakery for 12 years.  Though a lot of the work was from frozen ‘puck’ dough that was pre-formed, on occasion I was called upon to decorate cakes, and make things like angel food cake from scratch (50 lbs at a time).

Consequently, when it comes to making things for myself, I at least know how to go about it.  Too, I have the necessary tools, since my mother-in-law ran a dining room out of her home through the 1960s.  (When an Interstate was created and opened nearby, their business for the most part dried up [they owned/operated a motel] and closed said dining room)  I inherited a large part of her equipment, including a vintage Kitchen-Aid mixer.   Not one of the more modern varieties that has the hinged head, this is a beast, and it still has the Hobart label attached to it.  I don’t think I could kill it if I tried.  I expect it will outlive me, and the next 2-3 generations that make use of it.

I drag it out when I have large-scale baking to do.  Like for my slave.  She loves macadamia nut cookies (with white chocolate chips), and I found a great recipe for them.  Now, granted macadamia nuts are hideously expensive ($18/lb fyi) but being able to do a little baking for her, and hearing how much she appreciates the gesture as well as my expertise is thanks enough.  Giddy sounds over the phone (or in person, since the last time I baked them for her, I brought them with me when I hooked up with her in PA back in June) or just getting a message that says ‘I opened the last box!’ tells me all that I need to know.

Holiday baking can be a bear sometimes.  But on occasion, it can be all worth it.  Just have to know your audience, I suppose.

Chance encounter

There are times when I think that it would be nice if my eyes could double as a camera.  But, we’re not to the point where we can do that sort of ‘cyborg’ implants.  The reason I was musing about that today was, while I was at work, I chanced to encounter a customer wearing an ‘Eternity Collar‘.  She wasn’t being obvious about it, but as she was passing me, apparently something in my expression caused her to stop and speak to me in a low voice.  She said, “what are you thinking?”  After a moment of surprise that she was talking to me, I replied quite nonchalantly, “it looks better than Ring of Steel.”  And I walked away.  I think I surprised her with my reply, if nothing else.  She didn’t follow me, or say anything further.  I went back to work and when I looked around a few minutes later, she was nowhere to be seen.

Now, I can say that I’ve seen people in my place of employment that are fairly obvious in their supposed kinkiness.  Not everyone can be nonchalant and pull it off successfully.  Personally, I don’t think anyone has a clue about my kinks, since I don’t broadcast them far and wide.  The only thing that might suggest to someone about my proclivities is; I have a leather pride flag tag on my key chain.  But in all the time I’ve worked there, no one has asked me about it.  It’s quite clearly NOT an American flag pin, the colors of the pride flag are fairly distinct in their own right.  They’re most definitely not red, white and blue.

So, that was my little chance encounter at work today.  As a side note, the woman appeared to be at the store alone, there wasn’t anyone with her, at least not that I could see.  I wasn’t stalking her, just being observant.  So I do wonder what -she- thought of the encounter.  But of course I’m fairly certain I’ll never know, or find out.  And that’s ok.  Just another mystery.

Toy Whore/Hoard

toyroom4
Credit Fetlife User @Moolikan

I actually think I have too many BDSM toys.  And there’s two sad things to add to that statement.  Not only do I probably have too many, I want more.  I continually scour places that advertise items that people no longer want, or think about what I could do with items that could be converted into play things.  Like old chain for example.  Since I’m unable to play with my girl due to distance, I spend time keeping my interest piqued by watching old BDSM videos (from Insex and other venues), looking at pictures and thinking about old play scenes of my own from the past.  I marvel and covet what I see, and consider how I could be getting items from scrap yards, antique stores and junkyards to convert into toys, for the eventuality of having someone to play with.  I even have haunted Etsy and eBay over the past few days to browse for older chain, instead of going the route of purchasing new chain and rusting it.  It would actually probably be cheaper to do it that way, but I don’t think you get the same patina from rusting the stuff that you find in hardware stores these days..a lot of it comes from China, and the metallurgical make-up is completely different from domestic (US) steel from the past.

I’ve often also thought about divesting myself of some of the toys that I have had for a long time.  Many years ago, when I was going through a medical restraint phase, I purchased FOUR identical sets of Human Restraints.  The types that are used in hospitals, or mental health facilities.  These are the extremely sturdy leather restraints with locks.  I still have them, they’re brand new and haven’t even been removed from the boxes they were shipped in.  My justification was, they price was way too good to pass up.  Coupled with the fact that you normally can’t get these without either a prescription (unlikely!) or be ordering them from official letterhead from an institution (impossible!).  Yes there are places that make similar ones, or knockoff varieties, but getting the real thing instead?  That’s a coup.  But still, I have four sets of something that I’ve never used, and essentially, that’s THREE sets I probably will never use. prangers2 The same goes for my prangers.  I have two of them (because a seller on Fetlife was offering the two as a set, not individually) but really, probably only need one at any time.   Don’t get me started on my flogger collection.  I really went overboard on that one.  Someone on Fetlife was selling their collection due to having the need for money, and naturally I couldn’t pass up the opportunity.  So I blew my toy budget for the year on making myself the proud owner of that, and now they sit mostly in my clothes closet, or hung up in my armoire, waiting to be used.  I’ve already had one horsehair flogger disintegrate due to lack of use (that majorly sucked!) and I have to be certain that other toys don’t go the same route, because of lack of playtime.  Further, my spanking horse is in the basement, getting more and more dusty with every passing month.  The last time I had a repairman in the house, he saw the horse and asked me if it was a piece of exercise equipment.  Rather than tell him exactly what it’s use was, I just nodded and didn’t say any more.

I suppose it’s just fitting that Amazon has now gotten into the business as well.  While I was doing research looking for pictures, I stumbled upon their toy listings.  Oy.

Hurry up and wait

Hurry-Up-and-WaitOur original plan was to get together every couple of months to keep things fresh in the relationship.  Due to financial constraints, that plan has been shelved at least until spring of 2019.  It certainly brings neither of us any joy in stating this, let alone living it, but as we repeat to one another all too often “it is, what it is.”  As infuriating as that statement may be, it’s just the damnable truth.

For me, what makes it all the more untenable is the fact that my girl is able to play in my absence, due to her need for companionship beyond what’s possible with me.  She’s presently exploring a poly situation with a couple in her area, and (naturally) even that’s not a cakewalk.  It has had its own shoebox of drama, that she’s had to navigate as best that she can.

I just find more and more that I’m back to being on the sidelines.  Where I swore that I didn’t want to be again.  Yet here I sit, day in and out, week and out, month and out, not doing anything while my toys start to gather dust again.  Yes, this is a rant.  It’s not however, a rant against my girl or anyone else.  Merely expressing myself here in print, because I’m getting more and more frustrated and I just need some place to talk about it, and well, here’s a place.  I’ll caveat it to say I’m not IN ANY WAY blaming anyone about what makes the situation the way it is.

It is this way because of money for the most part.  (Doesn’t it always in some way end up being the culprit?) I can’t solely afford to foot the bill for another trip to meet my girl.  I’m certainly in the process right now of paying for my own bills, dealing with my household debt, and attempting to sock away as much money as I can into my 401k, since my Union decided to kowtow and knuckle under instead of fighting for a pension that has been paid into for 30+ years.  Just another in a long line of concessions they’ve given up.  Not for nothing, but in 18 months, when it’s time to negotiate the 2020 version of the contract, I’m almost completely resigned to the fact that the union will be presented with two untenable options.  Either agree to a reduced payment from the company for the new 401k plan they started this year, or incur more payments from the rank and file for overpriced health care insurance.

Anyway, I’ve said my piece.  I’m disabling comments on this, because it’s a rant.  I don’t expect or desire commentary on this.  Thanks for your attention, providing you made it this far through the post.

Poly Schmoly

Polyamorous relationships are not for the timid.  I think that should be understood right from the beginning.  Secondly, one needs to have a good understanding of what they all entail before getting themselves immersed in one.  The reason I’m writing about this is; my girl is presently dealing with issues involved with the couple that she’s been seeing for the last month or so.  Honestly, I wasn’t completely on board with her desire to enter into a poly relationship with the couple, but she felt she needed outside companionship since we’re unable to get together for long stretches of time.  The couple claimed to have a fairly good understanding of what poly is, how it affects the core relationship, and that they were well suited for bringing in another into said relationship.

Well, apparently they oversold that last one.  Without going into too much detail, soon after my girl was ‘officially’ incorporated into the couple’s dynamic, problems began to crop up.  (Or perhaps the problems were already there, but they now had the opening to come out) Jealousy flared from one side, even though apparently the other partner was either unaware of it, or was too timid to get involved.  Which to me sounds a bit childish, more than a little bit irresponsible, and finally downright mean.  In the last day or so it got to the point where the aggrieved partner faked a heart episode and demanded to be taken to the ER.  Once there, it fell upon my girl to ‘be the adult’ and be responsible, even though she was clearly being played.

In the meantime, I’m up north here, hearing about it, watching it play out and feeling my stomach be pulled into knots knowing I don’t really have much say in how all of this plays out.  Naturally, when there’s a problem, I get a text message, a call, or some other form of communication from my girl letting me know about it.  At this point, if I had the funds, I’d drive down there and start knocking heads together.  If for no other reason, than just to feel like I’m able to DO something.

As it stands right now, my girl is pretty fed up with these people and is distancing herself from them.  How much distance remains to be seen, but as usual I’m attempting to be as supportive as I can from a distance.  

Even now, I’m a bit hesitant in posting about this.  But this is my forum, this is what’s going on in my life, it’s MY damn journey, so I’m writing about it.  There.  I feel better.  Now off to rake some leaves, to get some of this pent-up energy expended.

Seasons change

Summer has given way to autumn.  I know that because of the subtle temperature changes that have come forth in the mornings as I head out to work.  Sure it’s still somewhat warm, but I’ve already started to look forward to my Keurig Chai Latte (and laid on supplies from Amazon in the past week) in the morning instead of a cup of flavored water.  Too, I’ve started to use the heater in the bathroom again, I’ve broken out the plaid sweatpants that I wear in the evening instead of parading around in shorts as I’ve been doing the past few months.

I’m also seeing the change in colors of leaves here in the northeastern US.  A definite hallmark of autumn.  At least I don’t have to deal with the literal mountains of leaves I used to have to when I was living with my adoptive parents.  Try having 2 1/2 acres (1.01 hectares) of trees dropping leaves on your property every autumn and see what you might have to do to get rid of them…at least then we were able to burn the leaves without having to jump through endless hoops…I doubt the people who own the property now are able to.

Finally, it’s going to affect when and how myself and my girl are going to be able to get together.  Due to financial constraints and other instances, our plan to get together every couple of months has gone by the wayside.  I can understand and appreciate that she has issues with driving in snow, so it may very well be the soonest we can get together again might very well be come spring 2019.  That remains to be seen.

We’ve talked about it at length more than a few times.  We’ll talk more about it in the future, guaranteed.  The bond is strong.  It will happen.  Just have to be patient about it.

And I hate being patient.