Category: BDSM

Mothballs

Reading Time: 3 minutes

After my rather upbeat tome about upgrading my playspace, I received some rather sobering news. My new playmate has had some recurring issues with close family members afflicted with life-threatening illnesses and has made the decision that she (at least for the foreseeable future) will not be available for further play. So, bang goes that opportunity.

Too, my slave has discovered that it may very well be until the end of 2020 before she can make it this far for a visit, though I have to admit she has been making leaps and bounds into the process of finding a way up here. It’s not simple when you have limited funds, oodles of bills and such and you’re in a depressed area to begin with. Consequently, it seems a waste of time and resources to update or upgrade a playspace that’s going to be covered in dust (again) by the time anyone is available to be using it.  Quite honestly, I find that to be incredibly sad.  Though not really unexpected, given how often I’m ever able to express my kink in the physical sense.

There are times when I’m tempted to chuck the whole thing and just ‘retire’ like the wife did several years ago.  She increasingly became despondent about finding someone with whom she could express her kink, play for lack of a better term and just said ‘enough’.  Her toy collection was folded into mine, although every time I drag out the toy bags she laments about this toy or that being the ones that she brought into our house/relationship and I always say that she can have them back whenever she says the word, but she never does.

Within the last several days my slave received a message on Fetlife from someone in my area, who thought it a good idea to interject himself into our relationship, merely because he was having an impossible time finding someone to interact with on a kink level.  Basically he was saying “hi, you don’t know me, but I think I know you from somewhere.  IF you and Leathers were interested in using me as a practice toy for your play in the future, I’d greatly appreciate it, since it’s been 30 years since I’ve been in the scene, and I haven’t found anyone to play with.”  She brought it to my attention and I had to write him, telling him that while I understand it can be a bitch problem with finding someone compatible, oftentimes it’s better not to put yourself (uninvited) in someone else’s relationship merely because you’re feeling desperate.  As of this writing he’s not deigned to reply.  Not sure he ever will.

So, for the time being the playspace will be relegated to darkness and dust.  Again.  At least I was able to get some padding for the floor in case there’s a need for it to be used.  And the heater works again.  I suppose it’s probably for the best I didn’t do too much work in that area, as more than likely there are going to be furnace installers in the basement in the coming months, switching out and probably upgrading our furnace, and who needs questions about all the equipment there?

Used Cars

Reading Time: 3 minutes

Since 2000 my wife and I have been leasing vehicles.  Before that, we each had our own respective vehicle that we brought into the marriage.  She had a 1987 white Chrysler LeBaron convertible and I had a 1987 brown Ford Bronco II that I had purchased used.  I practically drove it into the ground, even though it had better than 87,000 miles on it when I bought it in 1990.  Somewhere around 1999 I sold it as a junker, someone had seen it parked by the side of the road and offered me (as I recall) about $1200 for the hulk.  Since it had been sitting for the better part of 4-5 months I figured ‘what the hell’  and accepted the offer.  The guy showed up the next day with a trailer, hauled it up, paid the money, I gave him the signed registration card and the deal was done.  At that point we went from 2 vehicles to 1.  And it’s been that way for the last 20 years.

Over the last year or so, I’ve been pondering getting a used car for travel to see my girl.  As it stands right now, in order to get down to where she lives, I have to either drive the family vehicle or rent one for the time needed to see her.  The last time I rented, it cost me close to $800 for the 4 days I needed the car.  The last time I saw her in 2018, I drove the Edge that we had.  Of course, if I have the vehicle, then the wife is left stranded without one, and in case of emergency, that’s not a good thing in a semi-rural area.  Sure there are taxis and other forms of transportation available in extreme circumstances (Uber and Lyft don’t exist in my area for the time being) but I’d feel better if she needed a vehicle, she’d have one at her disposal.

The other thing that has gotten me thinking about used cars is the fact that the vehicle my girl has right now is a hole in the road.  It seems every week there’s something else wrong with it that’s going to take $$ to fix, and she just doesn’t have the available, necessary funds to keep pouring into it.  She got the vehicle from her sister, who sold it to her on a payment plan, and now the vehicle is paid for.  Too, it has four almost new tires, the suspension in the front has almost been entirely replaced, as well as new shocks and other items that have been related to me over the many months.  I’m beginning to wonder if by the time I see her again it will be an updated version of the Johnny Cash song ‘One Piece At A Time‘.  But in this case, it will have cost way more “than a dime”.

This is going to be an ongoing thing, but right now, I’m looking at used cars.

Gripes my bottom, or MYOFB

Reading Time: 4 minutes

Earlier this week, something happened over on Fetlife that still has me mentally fuming a bit. My girl had posted a picture on her profile of some rope bondage she’d done on herself several months ago, and someone local to her had commented on it. Nothing wrong with that, people comment on pictures they find, and this person was complementary on it. What ensued next was the problem, however. This person privately messaged her to indicate that he might be interested in assisting her with some rope tie practice, and she mentioned (as she’s required to) that any sort of contact has to include me, or at the very least make me aware of it, because after all, we have a relationship, she’s my de facto (agreed upon) ‘property’ etc. consequently, she’s not going to keep this information from me.

Now this person decides to go to my profile on the site and check me out. It’s a public profile, has a synopsis of sorts about me, my viewpoints on certain things, sort of an introduction to anyone that wishes to read it. For the most part, people don’t bother to read male profiles, they read the female ones (and ignore them when emailing them, propositioning them, etc). The same thing happens on personal sites the world over. Instagram, Facebook, CollarMe, OkCupid, even ChristianMingle I expect. What happened next is the thing that rubbed me the wrong way.

He messages her back to say that he’s no longer interested in ANY contact that might involve me, because in his words, “she can do better” than me, and he doesn’t like what he reads on my profile. The latter part I could care less about. He doesn’t know me from Adam, what’s written on my profile isn’t a listing or even a detailed synopsis of me, my life, even my outlook on many aspects of the BDSM lifestyle. If anything, part of it is tongue in cheek, the rest of it is a light overview of my girl’s and my journey over the last year or so. Certainly, nothing that someone could make an accurate understanding of who and what someone is about. Yet, here we are. At the end of his message, he has the utmost nerve to suggest they can still ‘be friends’ and ‘meet up’ at some point in time like that’s the most likely thing that will transpire.

My girl had messaged me at lunch to ask my opinion about the conversation she was having with this joker guy. Her main concern was not upsetting him, setting off some sort of negative impact in her local community, with this fellow being the ‘offended party’. At this point, the only ones offended are me, and my girl. He’s not even in the equation. I logged into her account, read the back and forth, and gave her a basic overview of how I wanted her to reply. Something non-threatening, but to the point of, if he’s uninterested in having me in the conversation as being aware of what’s happening between him and her, then I’m very uninterested in him having any contact with her whatsoever. Bottom line: my toy, my rules. Moreover, there’s a protocol that we have in place that’s laid out very distinctly in her profile, which says basically if you want to converse with her beyond a ‘hello’, then you get in contact with me. If one can’t follow a simple courtesy, then we’re not really interested in associating with them. We’re all supposed to be adults here. Might as well act like it as much as we can.

Appropos of nothing, he never responded to her message, so there’s no way of knowing what he’s going to say or do going forward. If it’s something nefarious, then I can play hardball as well. Honestly, this is not what I wanted to be doing coming up to the Christmas holiday. But sometimes it’s something that needs to be dealt with.

Collar 2.0

Reading Time: 2 minutes

I remember talking to myself about this when the first one was lost so soon after it was presented.  I remember at the time promising myself the next one (though there should never have beennext one) was going to be more permanent, or at the very least harder to get off, so it wouldn’t be laid aside, and possibly be lost.  But after a year and a half, here we go again.  However, unlike the last one, the clasp is a bit more sturdy and less likely to come loose at a moment’s notice.  Still, the links are made out of aluminum, not steel, so it’s not impermeable either.  It’s going to have to be cared for, to be sure it’s around for the long haul.

Unfortunately, I won’t be able to present it to her personally, I’m forced into mailing it to her, which admittedly is a bit impersonal, and I’d rather not have to do it this way.  Our next meeting isn’t going to be until the spring however, so this is going to be the best that we can accomplish.

We’ll see how it goes.  If this one gets lost or broken, I’m going with Ring of Steel, or Eternity.

Not the anniversary I was aiming for

Reading Time: < 1 minute

Well, it has been a year since I last saw her. Around 10-10:30am last year on this day, she got in her Explorer, I got in my Edge and she headed south, and I made my way back north. Tears were shed on both sides, as more than anything else I wanted to pile her into my vehicle and drive her home with me. But that wasn’t the reality, and even though I let her have my gray museum cap as a reminder, I fully expected to see her again in a few months, and she was going to bring it back to me.

I was going to hash it out all over again, but I’ve already written about this too much. This is not the anniversary I wanted to be having today.

Investing for the future

Reading Time: 5 minutes

My slave and I had a small conversation this afternoon, that sort of started when I arrived home from running errands with my wife.  It was a continuation of a conversation (after a fashion) she and I had been having over the last few days.  

She’s been having trouble getting used to using Spotify without the fancy doodads that are included with a paid membership.  I’ve been paying for her membership for the most part over the last year.  It ran out sometime in the last week or so, and the lack of the ability to fast forward as well as other expectations were getting to be a little much for her.  There was a veiled mention of the fact this week is National Nurse’s Aide Week, and generally, on those sorts of weeks, the professional or worker in question gets a gift.  Usually from their employer or a spouse, in recognition of the work that the person does and doesn’t necessarily get noticed or rewarded. 

I looked it up and yes it certainly is that particular week, and since none of her family were likely to be moved to give her anything, much less her employer (the CEO sent out a blanket statement to the workforce, thanking them for their hard work, their dedication and so on, basic boilerplate in lieu of anything more substantial, like money for instance) I was intending to extend her Spotify membership anyway, as a reward for all of her hard work and dedication and because sometimes its the right thing to do.  

Of course, I hadn’t done it right away, so there was a text message this afternoon for all intents and purposes pleading with me to re-up ASAP since she was really having a hard time without it.  My response in this instance was typically me “Oy”.   I also made reference to a saying that I have whenever someone says something is driving them crazy.  I would have thought after 3-4 years of knowing me, she would have known about it, and I even suggested she could earn brownie points for it, but no, she didn’t.  I had to clue her in about it.  Again.

Person #1:  I can’t stand it anymore, it’s driving me crazy!

Person #2: Y’know, it’s not so much a long drive, as a short putt.

Yes, I think it’s funny.  Honestly, I don’t care if you don’t.  If you do, woo woo and a ^5.

At this point, I made an off-hand comment about needing to make an Amazon shopping list, since there were several other things I knew she was out of, and with money being tight, unlikely she was going to be getting them anytime soon.  Naturally, once I put one thing in the cart (sunscreen) others started popping to mind that she was going to need in the near future.    At some point, I asked a question I hadn’t inquired about for many months.  Whether or not she had a decent pair of shoes for work.  As expected, the answer was no, she was still wearing ones she got from the dollar store, of all places.  So back to Amazon to seek out a sturdy pair of nurse’s shoes, that will last longer than however long dollar store shoes last.  Five minutes would be my off-handed guess on that one.  

Naturally, I found several possibles, but the designs on them were fairly hideous.  Does no one make shoes in plain white, or black anymore?  After more time than I thought I would spend on this mission, I finally came across a pair of Skechers that would do well.  Made certain of the sizing, and put them in the cart.  

Lastly, I asked about her medications.  In for a penny, in for a pound, right?  After some banter, and back and forth, she admitted that she was out of two important ones that are OTC, and could be ordered from Amazon.  Popped them into the cart, along with some generic Aleve and I was pretty much done.  I added in the Spotify gift card and called it complete.  During the final part of the conversation, we covered the one thing we always do, when she tells me “You don’t have to do this.”   Believe me, slave, I know I don’t have to.  But I also know no one else is going to help out.  You may not be blood, but in a very important manner, you’re my responsibility.   So I do what I can when I can.  If positions were reversed, you’d be doing this as well.  We’ve had that particular conversation more times than I can count.

I closed out the cart and put the shipping information in, my CC info and pressed the ‘Place the Order’ button.  It’s on its way to her and should arrive by Saturday.  I know she’s grateful, I know she’s also a bit melancholy that I had to bail her out again.  Should be a trifecta when she reads this and sees I posted about it.  

In for a penny, in for a pound.  I’m investing in our future.  At least that’s what I’m telling myself.

Crossroads

Reading Time: 3 minutes

I look at the calendar.  Another day passed since I saw her last.  I can still remember what she looked like, what she smelled like when we parted.  I gave her the hat I purchased for myself at the museum so that she had something else of mine to keep close to her.  At the time, we had been planning to get together again in a couple of months.  But that didn’t happen.  Then more suggestions of when to get together.  Those didn’t happen either and winter set in.  

During winter, it was as if there was a wall set up around one of the state borders, and it was made of ice and snow.  Where she lives, it occasionally snows, not as it does in the Mid-Atlantic region where I reside.  Too, her vehicle isn’t completely reliable in many ways, so driving a good distance isn’t recommended.  Another roadblock of sorts, that keeps us apart.  Of course, at this point, we talk about the big bugaboo, money.  Working full-time when you’re living alone doesn’t afford you a lot of ‘mad money’, or funds for outside activities.  Especially when you’re in an industry that doesn’t pay all that well, even when one has the experience.  So saving money ends up being literally nickels and dimes, which doesn’t afford one the ability to be free to travel.  The last two times we got together, I either paid the lion’s share of the costs or accepted what she could at that time afford to contribute.  The first time I rented a car and drove 10 hours to see her.  The second time, we met approximately midway between the two of us.  That time I drove the family vehicle.  I have to admit, I was pretty shocked how much it cost to rent a vehicle for a week the first time.  Astronomical was the word I believed I used then.

As the days count down towards the one year mark for the time we’ve been apart, it makes me more and more melancholy.  Sure, we keep in touch via social media, phone calls, texts and the like, but it’s most definitely not the same thing as being there.  Spending time with her, even if it’s just sitting on the couch, watching television together, or her sliding down off the couch to rest her head on my knee while we’re doing whatever.  Having that physical contact is key, and it’s what we’re missing. I hear about her adventures with her poly family, and honestly, it bothers me that she gets to have adventures, and I don’t.  I’ve been sitting here spinning my wheels for 344 days.  Too, it reminds me of the collar fiasco.  I thought about getting her another one, but if I’m not there to see it, to enjoy seeing it on her, what’s the point?  And besides, it’s another outlay of my money for her benefit.  So it too got shelved.

Finally, I’ve given up shopping for toys.  I have so many here that have no purpose, no use, other than taking up space in the house.  My wife looks at them, then at me, and doesn’t ask the question we both know she’s thinking.  “what are you going to do with all this stuff??”  Honestly, right now….nothing.

Ugh, this is hard to write.  But its harder still to endure.  I have no idea what the solution is, but I am extremely tired of waiting.  And watching.  And observing.  And being left out.

Bedtime.  Good night.