Happy Anniversary, girl.

It’s been a year since we decided to switch things up. With you taking the bottom role and I being your Top.

We did manage to meet once, back in June. We’d planned for more meetings, but money and life got in the way.

It’s been an interesting journey so far.  I think you can agree to that.  Ups, downs, ins and outs.  We’re working towards our goals, and we’re doing it together.

Happy Anniversary.  1 year down, many more to go.

Chance encounter

There are times when I think that it would be nice if my eyes could double as a camera.  But, we’re not to the point where we can do that sort of ‘cyborg’ implants.  The reason I was musing about that today was, while I was at work, I chanced to encounter a customer wearing an ‘Eternity Collar‘.  She wasn’t being obvious about it, but as she was passing me, apparently something in my expression caused her to stop and speak to me in a low voice.  She said, “what are you thinking?”  After a moment of surprise that she was talking to me, I replied quite nonchalantly, “it looks better than Ring of Steel.”  And I walked away.  I think I surprised her with my reply, if nothing else.  She didn’t follow me, or say anything further.  I went back to work and when I looked around a few minutes later, she was nowhere to be seen.

Now, I can say that I’ve seen people in my place of employment that are fairly obvious in their supposed kinkiness.  Not everyone can be nonchalant and pull it off successfully.  Personally, I don’t think anyone has a clue about my kinks, since I don’t broadcast them far and wide.  The only thing that might suggest to someone about my proclivities is; I have a leather pride flag tag on my key chain.  But in all the time I’ve worked there, no one has asked me about it.  It’s quite clearly NOT an American flag pin, the colors of the pride flag are fairly distinct in their own right.  They’re most definitely not red, white and blue.

So, that was my little chance encounter at work today.  As a side note, the woman appeared to be at the store alone, there wasn’t anyone with her, at least not that I could see.  I wasn’t stalking her, just being observant.  So I do wonder what -she- thought of the encounter.  But of course I’m fairly certain I’ll never know, or find out.  And that’s ok.  Just another mystery.

Toy Whore/Hoard

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Credit Fetlife User @Moolikan

I actually think I have too many BDSM toys.  And there’s two sad things to add to that statement.  Not only do I probably have too many, I want more.  I continually scour places that advertise items that people no longer want, or think about what I could do with items that could be converted into play things.  Like old chain for example.  Since I’m unable to play with my girl due to distance, I spend time keeping my interest piqued by watching old BDSM videos (from Insex and other venues), looking at pictures and thinking about old play scenes of my own from the past.  I marvel and covet what I see, and consider how I could be getting items from scrap yards, antique stores and junkyards to convert into toys, for the eventuality of having someone to play with.  I even have haunted Etsy and eBay over the past few days to browse for older chain, instead of going the route of purchasing new chain and rusting it.  It would actually probably be cheaper to do it that way, but I don’t think you get the same patina from rusting the stuff that you find in hardware stores these days..a lot of it comes from China, and the metallurgical make-up is completely different from domestic (US) steel from the past.

I’ve often also thought about divesting myself of some of the toys that I have had for a long time.  Many years ago, when I was going through a medical restraint phase, I purchased FOUR identical sets of Human Restraints.  The types that are used in hospitals, or mental health facilities.  These are the extremely sturdy leather restraints with locks.  I still have them, they’re brand new and haven’t even been removed from the boxes they were shipped in.  My justification was, they price was way too good to pass up.  Coupled with the fact that you normally can’t get these without either a prescription (unlikely!) or be ordering them from official letterhead from an institution (impossible!).  Yes there are places that make similar ones, or knockoff varieties, but getting the real thing instead?  That’s a coup.  But still, I have four sets of something that I’ve never used, and essentially, that’s THREE sets I probably will never use. prangers2 The same goes for my prangers.  I have two of them (because a seller on Fetlife was offering the two as a set, not individually) but really, probably only need one at any time.   Don’t get me started on my flogger collection.  I really went overboard on that one.  Someone on Fetlife was selling their collection due to having the need for money, and naturally I couldn’t pass up the opportunity.  So I blew my toy budget for the year on making myself the proud owner of that, and now they sit mostly in my clothes closet, or hung up in my armoire, waiting to be used.  I’ve already had one horsehair flogger disintegrate due to lack of use (that majorly sucked!) and I have to be certain that other toys don’t go the same route, because of lack of playtime.  Further, my spanking horse is in the basement, getting more and more dusty with every passing month.  The last time I had a repairman in the house, he saw the horse and asked me if it was a piece of exercise equipment.  Rather than tell him exactly what it’s use was, I just nodded and didn’t say any more.

I suppose it’s just fitting that Amazon has now gotten into the business as well.  While I was doing research looking for pictures, I stumbled upon their toy listings.  Oy.

Hurry up and wait

Hurry-Up-and-WaitOur original plan was to get together every couple of months to keep things fresh in the relationship.  Due to financial constraints, that plan has been shelved at least until spring of 2019.  It certainly brings neither of us any joy in stating this, let alone living it, but as we repeat to one another all too often “it is, what it is.”  As infuriating as that statement may be, it’s just the damnable truth.

For me, what makes it all the more untenable is the fact that my girl is able to play in my absence, due to her need for companionship beyond what’s possible with me.  She’s presently exploring a poly situation with a couple in her area, and (naturally) even that’s not a cakewalk.  It has had its own shoebox of drama, that she’s had to navigate as best that she can.

I just find more and more that I’m back to being on the sidelines.  Where I swore that I didn’t want to be again.  Yet here I sit, day in and out, week and out, month and out, not doing anything while my toys start to gather dust again.  Yes, this is a rant.  It’s not however, a rant against my girl or anyone else.  Merely expressing myself here in print, because I’m getting more and more frustrated and I just need some place to talk about it, and well, here’s a place.  I’ll caveat it to say I’m not IN ANY WAY blaming anyone about what makes the situation the way it is.

It is this way because of money for the most part.  (Doesn’t it always in some way end up being the culprit?) I can’t solely afford to foot the bill for another trip to meet my girl.  I’m certainly in the process right now of paying for my own bills, dealing with my household debt, and attempting to sock away as much money as I can into my 401k, since my Union decided to kowtow and knuckle under instead of fighting for a pension that has been paid into for 30+ years.  Just another in a long line of concessions they’ve given up.  Not for nothing, but in 18 months, when it’s time to negotiate the 2020 version of the contract, I’m almost completely resigned to the fact that the union will be presented with two untenable options.  Either agree to a reduced payment from the company for the new 401k plan they started this year, or incur more payments from the rank and file for overpriced health care insurance.

Anyway, I’ve said my piece.  I’m disabling comments on this, because it’s a rant.  I don’t expect or desire commentary on this.  Thanks for your attention, providing you made it this far through the post.

Another week, another change

Another twist, another turn in our relationship.  One thing that was mentioned in passing was my girl’s continued desire to remain dominant in one form or another, just not with me.  Now that she has a poly family as well as me (though I’m not involved with them, nor have I met them yet) she’s expressed interest in cultivating as well as exploring a D/s relationship with the male of the couple.  He apparently is switchy and defers to my girl, so they’re interested in going the route of Domme/male sub but required my permission to do so.

Which I gave.  Due to ongoing financial constraints, my girl and I are unable to get together in the ‘more often’ plan that we had after our meeting back in June.  So instead of her stagnating, I think she needs something to keep her interest piqued.  Of course, it would be nice if I could do the same, but as always, I think it’s best to not give into that temptation, just sate myself with my imagination, online smut and other forms of debauchery, just not corporeal ones.  As the Wicked Witch of the West said “I’ll bide my time…”

I hope it works out for them both.  It’ll be interesting to see how it all plays out.

Covet

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Photo credit: Moolikan on Fetlife.com

While this isn’t exactly a representation of my dream dungeon, it comes pretty close in the terms of being drool-worthy.  The person that amassed this collection is in the process of selling most of it and moving elsewhere in the United States.  When he first posted his pictures on Fetlife, I was (like just about everyone else that commented) floored by the sheer amount of stuff in his playspace.  Just tallying up in my head the costs of the restraints, not to mention some of the stuff that looks custom-made would put the price tag easily in the $8,000-10,000 range.  And now he’s selling it??  Yeah, I thought more than once about putting in an offer, but unfortunately he’s looking for people who are within driving distance of him, and he’s about 1000 miles away from me.

Of course something like this has got me thinking about what I already possess and what I’ve been amassing in my own toy collection over the last year and the previous 30 some odd.  The fact that what I do have, I don’t play with much (and is a considerable source of angst from the wife about how much it all has cost) and basically sits around gathering dust.  I’ve already lost a couple of toys to wear and tear, and age, one of my coveted horsehair floggers essentially disintegrated hanging in my closet.  Too, one day on eBay I happened upon a seller that was parting with 4 identical brand new Humane Restraint sets, none of which had even been removed from their packing cellophane.  Brand Spanking New!  These are the types of restraints one might find in hospitals, mental facilities, the ones that in order to buy, you must have official letterhead, they’re not meant to be sold to the general public.  Of course, the person was asking $400 per set..but damn.  Don’t even ask…I bought them.  But I haven’t used them.  I opened one set, but the other 3 are sitting in the back of my closet, in the same boxes they arrived in.  What am I going to do with 4 sets of restraints, when I only have one submissive?  Damned if I know either, but I have them.

On and on it goes.  Floggers, restraints of metal and leather, chains and I’ve been considering learning how to weld so I can BUILD things.  But the wife isn’t going to be too pleased if I make a steel cage down in the basement, and then have nowhere to put it.  So I put off that sort of plan for a time down the road.  Still, I covet what I can’t have (at the present time).

I’m like a person at a smorgasboard, with a full plate and they just brought out dessert.

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Photo Credit: Moolikan on Fetlife.com

Change isn’t as bad as you might think.

My apologies for anyone that might have gotten notification earlier about this post, but I promised my girl I would give her the ability to read it first and be sure the content was ok with her.  Thank you for your patience.

poly-image.jpgRather out of the blue the other day, my girl brought to me a question.  It seems she’s become enamored with someone and wanted to know if that was going to cause a problem between her and myself.  Of course, I knew who the ‘someone‘ was, there has been a fledgling connection between them over the last couple of weeks, but she’s quite adamant that this would only constitute a bf/gf relationship, it would have zero bearing on our own BDSM one.  I’m her primary, also her Owner, so we’re in agreement that anything that goes on takes a backseat to what she and I share.

In a way I’m somewhat relieved that this happened.  It does take some of the burden off me to keep her entertained in the times that she’s not working, and I can be a little less ‘hands-on’ all the time, and be able to devote more time into my marriage, not that it’s particularly lacking.  But marriages require work just like any relationship and they don’t survive very well when one isn’t an active participant.  (As do relationships, even long distance ones, yes pet I’m WELL aware of that fact!)

Insomuch as we’ve been talking about this, would it necessarily be considered a poly relationship?  Well, not on my end, because I would have little to no contact with this person that my girl is thinking about getting more involved with.  He’s in her area, he’s married as well (both he and his wife are into kink fwiw) and THEY consider themselves to be poly.  As I’ve mentioned elsewhere, my wife and I have a quasi-open marriage, in that we agreed a LONG time ago that to stay together, we needed to seek out companionship (in the form of submissives) elsewhere and keep the core relationship, the marriage as the primary one.  Finding people who understand (as well as respect) that dynamic and mindset (as you might imagine) hasn’t been easy.  Add in the fact that I’m not interested in sex, and it just narrows that pool down to the shallow end.  The VERY shallow end, in my experience.

As we’ve been progressing in our conversations about this, my girl has recently been expressing that she’s feeling guilty over having this connection, since she’s able to see him whenever she feels like it, and can only see me when circumstances and finances permit.  Yesterday when she expressed this, I suggested that she was feeling ‘homesick’.  She countered that it’s more of a feeling of ‘Daddysick’, that she’s missing me greatly (it has now been about a month and a half since we met in PA) and really wants to get together again.  We’d been planning on her coming up here either at the end of this month or at the beginning of September, but that had to be put off due to finances on her end.  Too many things to do, to pay for, and a trip north has to be put on the back burner.

I’m very satisfied with how she’s progressing in our BDSM.  Though of course we both wish that it could be done more often, life and responsibilities (and yes finances) just gets in the way sometimes.  Ok, more than sometimes.  But in the end we’re in this for the long haul, so we have to keep our eyes on the prize, which is the future.  So we continue on and figure it out as we go.

This diagram just seemed to fit the flavor of this post, so I thought I’d bring it along for the ride.

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