I look at the calendar. Another day passed since I saw her last. I can still remember what she looked like, what she smelled like when we parted. I gave her the hat I purchased for myself at the museum so that she had something else of mine to keep close to her. At the time, we had been planning to get together again in a couple of months. But that didn’t happen. Then more suggestions of when to get together. Those didn’t happen either and winter set in.
During winter, it was as if there was a wall set up around one of the state borders, and it was made of ice and snow. Where she lives, it occasionally snows, not as it does in the Mid-Atlantic region where I reside. Too, her vehicle isn’t completely reliable in many ways, so driving a good distance isn’t recommended. Another roadblock of sorts, that keeps us apart. Of course, at this point, we talk about the big bugaboo, money. Working full-time when you’re living alone doesn’t afford you a lot of ‘mad money’, or funds for outside activities. Especially when you’re in an industry that doesn’t pay all that well, even when one has the experience. So saving money ends up being literally nickels and dimes, which doesn’t afford one the ability to be free to travel. The last two times we got together, I either paid the lion’s share of the costs or accepted what she could at that time afford to contribute. The first time I rented a car and drove 10 hours to see her. The second time, we met approximately midway between the two of us. That time I drove the family vehicle. I have to admit, I was pretty shocked how much it cost to rent a vehicle for a week the first time. Astronomical was the word I believed I used then.
As the days count down towards the one year mark for the time we’ve been apart, it makes me more and more melancholy. Sure, we keep in touch via social media, phone calls, texts and the like, but it’s most definitely not the same thing as being there. Spending time with her, even if it’s just sitting on the couch, watching television together, or her sliding down off the couch to rest her head on my knee while we’re doing whatever. Having that physical contact is key, and it’s what we’re missing. I hear about her adventures with her poly family, and honestly, it bothers me that she gets to have adventures, and I don’t. I’ve been sitting here spinning my wheels for 344 days. Too, it reminds me of the collar fiasco. I thought about getting her another one, but if I’m not there to see it, to enjoy seeing it on her, what’s the point? And besides, it’s another outlay of my money for her benefit. So it too got shelved.
Finally, I’ve given up shopping for toys. I have so many here that have no purpose, no use, other than taking up space in the house. My wife looks at them, then at me, and doesn’t ask the question we both know she’s thinking. “what are you going to do with all this stuff??” Honestly, right now….nothing.
Ugh, this is hard to write. But its harder still to endure. I have no idea what the solution is, but I am extremely tired of waiting. And watching. And observing. And being left out.
Bedtime. Good night.