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I follow a good amount of blogs here online. Nowadays the vast majority are WordPress, but there are some independents, a few on LiveJournal (still) and others on an assortment of hosted sites. On occasion, I run into a post that I feel I’d like to comment on, and I do. More rarely, a comment becomes a full-blown entry on my own blog, as is the case here. This is in response to a post made from someone who I follow, and respect. Someone that has their head screwed on straight, at least in my opinion.
I’ve been in the scene for the last 35 plus years. Active, inactive, watching from the sidelines, participating in my own way, the whole nine yards. For the most part, I don’t foist my own opinions on ‘WIITWD [What It Is That We Do]’ because I don’t subscribe to the ‘One Twue Way‘ so many others seem to think is the hallmark of the acronym BDSM. I’ve so often said (I didn’t coin the phrase, someone else did, bless them!) BDSM is a vanilla relationship with more ‘bells and whistles’, and it is.
All the underpinnings of a vanilla relationship are there, we just add things on (like a sundae!) to make it better for us, to make it more interesting, to make it inherently OURS. But that doesn’t mean it’s BETTER than a vanilla relationship, very much not! Just different. Many, many, MANY vanilla people have just as meaningful relationships without a whiff of anything that might be inherent in a BDSM one. And they don’t need it. They don’t have to understand it, it’s not required that they do. “Different strokes, for different folks”. That’s a good cardinal rule that many kinky people (or wannabes) don’t ever seem to get. Certainly not on Fet, where the K&P people (or the ones that are determined to get there) seem to think being kinky is a step up. Um, sorry, it’s not. It’s just a different interpretation of the same thing that people have been doing together for millennia. Romans did BDSM, so did Egyptians. The Mayans practiced it as probably did Neanderthals. Naturally, it wasn’t called BDSM back then, but it amounted to the same thing.
One thing that I tell people who have looked in on my blogs, my profile on Fet, and other places where I encounter them is, you have to find how you fit into the whole scheme of things. There aren’t any shortcuts. You need to read, discuss, talk to people, find your own niche and how you interpret the whole scene. You can look at ready-made sites like BondageLife, Insex, Kink.com, House Of Gord and think “wow, I want to do that!” Well, I hate to break it to you, but that’s all fantasy. Someone had their own version of how they believed BDSM to be and created a fantasy world out of it. They’re using models (and paying them, which is a very important distinction) and not actually living what you’re seeing. The videos you’re watching aren’t live action, they’re edited. (The only partial exception to this rule would be the old ‘Live Feeds’ that Insex did way back when they first started out..) What you’re viewing has been made over the course of many hours, in some instances days, many takes and lots of editing on their computer to make a polished final product. Life is a LOT more messy than all that. Relationships aren’t made in a studio, they’re crafted in real life, with real people. People that have emotions, outside problems brought into the relationship that have to be dealt with, hammered out, cried over and yes even argued and shouted over. Submissives aren’t doormats. Dominants aren’t infallible. Mistakes happen all the time, and they have to be discussed, understood, and life will go on. Sometimes there might be an instance where something unforgiveable happens. It does. It’s called LIFE for a reason.
Lifestyle people tend to be very judgmental. Having been in the scene as long as I’ve been, I have to sometimes take a step back and evaluate what I’m seeing on various websites, or communities that I’m involved with, even to the point of holding my tongue before commenting on what I’ve observed, read and so on. Others don’t bother with those niceities. They shoot from the hip and damn the consequences. Not always the best way to build a community, but then again many of them aren’t here to build, they’re here to criticize, and that’s about it. YMMV (Your Mileage May Vary) is often being replaced with NMK (Not My Kink) or even worse YKINOK (Your Kink Is Not Ok) as if they had the corner on what’s right, what’s wrong and even what’s acceptable.
I have my own way of interpreting the scene at large and my own kink in particular. It’s MINE. Let me say that again. It’s mine. I’ve spent years, nigh decades thinking about it, working on it and practicing it with a variety of people, submissives, dominants and even aquaintances. Does it always work? No, that’s why it’s always changing. Is it for you? Possibly, but it also isn’t a shortcut to happiness for you. There’s no one true (or right) way to do all of this. You have to do your own research, testing, interacting and critiquing to see what works for you. There are no shortcuts. I’m sorry, I really am, there just aren’t. You can’t pick up a whip and become ‘Master(Mistress) So-and-So’ in a day. If anyone tells you that you can, they’re lying their ass off, or trying to sell you something.
One final note and then I’m off. There was one part of the above referenced post that I disagreed with. But hear me out please. The blogger I referenced named an author who goes by the pen name of Michael Makai. I’ve heard of him, he’s written more than a few books on BDSM, but they’re not ‘how-to’ books, they’re fantasies. The main reason I’m very wary about this fellow is that a few years ago he was not only arrested but convicted of several unsavory charges that would normally make most people blanch. My point here is that ‘Warrior Princesses’ (as well as other characters) aside, the ideas that this person fervently believes in, as well as preaches (non-consensual practices, underage involvement and a host of other questionable ideas) in many ways taints what he espouses. I’m not saying dismiss it completely, but be aware of what someone thinks elsewhere before you go for some part of it that you agree with, or fantasize about. That’s all. I know this part is going to cause some people’s toes to curl, (and worse) but I felt it needed to be said. Fair warning, fwiw. I’m certainly open to discussion. If you want to flame, well, that’s your issue.