Tag: FetLife

Wither, Fetlife?

Reading Time: 4 minutes

As a rule, I don’t spend a great deal of time on Fetlife anymore.  As the time passes by between when I had personal interaction with my slave, I’ve been finding it’s becoming less and less important to my life.  And in a way, that’s sad.  But expected.  While I still am kinky through and through, my non-kinky life takes precedence.  Because work, and life in general become priorities since I’m focusing on them more and more.  The adventures in FB Jail just bring that more home to me, that I’m really unable to express myself openly as a kink-friendly person, without their being consequences.

There have been times in the past when I’ve shuttered my Fetlife account.  Well, shuttered is too strong a term.  On several occasions I’ve contemplated deleting my account and moving on, especially the time when I’d been without anyone (yin to my yang and all that) for a period of 5-6 years.  Spending years looking for someone and not finding them takes a toll on you.  Increasingly going to a place where people post about the wonderful times they have, and you’re definitely not isn’t conducive to wanting to go back day after day.  I had the same experience with the website CollarMe/Collarspace.  Though with that particular site, I pretty much knew going in that any ad that I placed wasn’t going to be getting much in the way of traffic.  And I was right, for the most part the only views I got were either from transpeople or people looking for something else than what I was offering.  One accepts that sort of thing after a while.  I leave my ad up there just because I guess I’m too lazy to delete it.  Over the years the same thing goes for Fetlife, I believe.  I’ve changed my profile a few times, have suspended the account twice in 10 years (could never really bring myself to leave) and just recently accepted the mantle of overseeing a group that seems to be in the throes of dying, just doesn’t know enough to be deleted.  Sounds pretty typical, doesn’t it?

In the recent past, I’ve started two munch groups, only to watch the first one thrive for a little while, until apathy killed it.  The second one I started, in the same general area, except for being about 20 miles closer to me, worked for a while, but again apathy was what made it go away.  People are ok talking to one another online, but ask them to meet in a public place, on an evening, having to travel a little bit to get there, and everything seems to go sideways.  Munches work in many places, I’ve just never lived in an area where people are just so unabashedly lazy about wanting to get together.  I swear it works elsewhere!  Just not here.  There’s a play space on the next lake over, that I’ve been to, just not with anyone to play with myself, so that made it boring for me.  (I’m not a voyeur)  However, others were having a good time, and that suggested to me that interaction was working there, and the group was made up of people who knew one another from several semi-local munch groups among the areas of Ithaca, Syracuse and Elmira.

Ultimately, I haven’t decided what I’m going to do about the Fetlife account.  Probably just leave it up and check in on it once a week.  I get notifications via email if there’s something happening in either of the groups I moderate, or if I get a message.  Otherwise, I think it’s just time to do other things.  Have a little fun for once.

New friends and application of the rules

Reading Time: 3 minutes

On my slave’s Fetlife account, she has a profile.  In that profile, it details a good deal about her as well as touches on different portions of her ‘Fet Life’ so far.  One of the things I require her to have in it is what someone needs to do if they wish to ‘friend her’ on the site.  Specifically, they need to read her profile in its entirety and follow the directions embedded within.  If they can’t manage to do that, then they don’t deserve to be on her friends’ list.  That seems very fair if you ask me.  If you can’t do the work, you don’t get rewarded.   Her ex couldn’t manage to do this, so he didn’t get friended.

As in most social networks, or even personals sites, women’s in boxes get flooded.  Unless a male is offering something really special, their inbox hardly ever gets mail.  It’s been that way ever since I started before there was an established Internet and more than likely it will remain that way for as long as I’ll be online.   Just one of ‘those things’ you accept as being the norm and deal with it.  The reason I’m mentioning that is, my slave gets probably a good amount of mail from prospective people who read her profile to a certain extent, see her pictures or in other ways have interacted with her and wish to be part of her ‘inner circle’.  Others are hangers-on, or just want to add her to their friends’ list and never contact her again.  Like me, she’s not a friend collector, so her list of people she interacts with is small.  Myself, I’ve been on Fetlife for the better part of 10 years now and my own friends’ list numbers no more than 60 at any given time.

Every now and again she asks me if someone can be added to the list.  I decide on a case-by-case basis.  It’s an odds on bet that the person in question hasn’t necessarily followed the rules, and they’re asking for an exception to be made.  Or it’s someone she met at a munch or some other sort of get-together that she’s been to.  So I’ll scoot over to their profile, have a look-see, and if everything seems to check out, and I don’t feel there’s something untoward in their profile, I agree she can add them.  Of course, if after being allowed into the ‘inner sanctum’ they start to misbehave, or begin to make overtures about her interactions with them, I’ll inevitably hear about it.  My girl knows on which side her ‘bread is buttered’, she’s not going to just go off with someone because they have a good line or two to lay on her.  She’s content in being owned by me, she’s not interested in being owned by anyone else.  And that’s the way it’s going to always be.

Social networks are a great way for we as people to interact, to be in contact and to make new friends.  Even so, as tools, they need to be used with great care and respect.

An ‘open letter’ to potential future assholes.

Reading Time: 5 minutes

Yesterday when my girl and I were having a conversation, she mentioned to me that she received a message on Fetlife from a guy.  That in and of itself isn’t unusual, women tend to get tons of mail in comparison to most any male on the site.  That’s always been the case, no matter what sort of interpersonal website you’re on.  Women are in demand, even ones that have clearly stated profiles that say they’re not looking.  Guys are going to ignore what’s right in front of them and send a message anyway, hoping to get a hit.

She mentioned this one to me, because in her mind, there was something different about it.  She had gone to his profile, and looked it over.  What she saw there raised more questions than answers.  So she was naturally curious about him and perhaps there was a potential for a new friend, not necessarily a play friend, but when you’re quasi-alone in a new area, you want to make a few friends so you’re not bored when you’re not working.  Someone to hang out with, talk to, go places with.  That sort of thing.  Nothing wrong with that, right?  We humans are social creatures.  We don’t do well in a vaccum.  Ask any shut-in.  Being alone is monumentally boring.

The fellow (I’m being generous here with that description) that wrote didn’t give any introduction, salutation or anything of that sort.  Just a quick dash off message.  “Hi, I’m currently looking for a play partner to have fun with.”  Which is fine, to a point.  However, had he bothered to read through my girl’s profile, it clearly states (in several places) that she’s in a committed relationship, she’s most definitely NOT poly inclined and if someone wished to write to her, they needed to contact me first, not her.  So our interloper is already at three strikes and he’s not even aware of it. (Nor as it later turns out, does he care)

My girl and I both live in the United States, and yesterday was Memorial Day, a federal holiday.  Meaning that most people have the day off.  Someone that works in a service industry may not, as in this case.  So after 5 hours of waiting for a reply, (and not getting one because of the fact she’s at work) our interloper sends another message.  Mind you, my girl is aware that he’s written, Fetlife in no way has a method of informing someone writing that the other party has read what was written, so he’s unaware that she’s seen it, or hasn’t.  His second message is a little more pointed.  And in CAPS, so it’s akin to shouting.  It says (exact quote here) “ANOTHER IDIOT”.    Seriously?   You’re looking for a potential play partner and you send this drivel?  Obviously not caring how it’s going to be received, just letting that shit fly.

So now my dander is up.  I was fine before with having her just send a quick note (almost in jest) to him saying “I’m looking for someone that knows how to read a profile and follow the rules.”  Perhaps at that point he’d realize his error, and write to me with an apology and attempt to start over, or at the very least make things right.  That’s what any intelligent, contrite and respectful person would do.  Oh no, not our boy.  This isn’t going to end pretty.  She asks if she can write him back.  Sure, I’m fine with that, as long as I get to proofread what is headed back in his direction.  She did a fine job, but got a little snagged at the end with how to conclude.  After a moment I fashioned a suitable closing, with a note that I was now aware of his interaction with her and would be contacting him shortly to make my presence known.

She sent it off and we resumed our conversation.  About an hour later, he wrote again.  Not to me…to her. A final shot across the bow, if you were.  Again, in caps.  “SERIOUSLY, FUCK OFF”.  Eloquent to the last.  At this point, I just informed her that she would be blocking him on the site.  Cut off all future communication, he’s a lost cause.  I fully intended to write to him that evening, but a situation arose here with my wife that took precedence (she’s now come down with bronchitis as well) and that needed to be handled (an e-visit with a doctor and a couple prescriptions before the pharmacy here closed helped immeasureably) so it got stuck on the back burner.  I didn’t actually get to bed until almost 1 this morning, but by then my desire to write back to this asshole had abated somewhat.  But not entirely gone away.  Which is why I’m writing about it here.

Perhaps someone reading this tale that is thinking about doing the same thing to someone else out there will read it, take it to heart and NOT do that very thing.  Be the better person.  Be intelligent.  Read the rules and follow them.  It’s not all that hard.  Follow the golden rule (not the one about whoever has the gold makes the rules), treat others how you’d like to be treated.  Quite honestly, at the time, if this asshole had been in front of me, I would have throat punched him for talking to my girl that way.  No one deserves to be treated like that.  NO. FUCKING. ONE.  He damn sure wouldn’t have done it if we were at a munch and standing in front of him.  So why do it elsewhere?  On his profile he states quite prominently that he’s been in the military and has a concept of what honor and respect are.  Definitely didn’t show it yesterday.

My girl and I had a really good day yesterday.  In spite of this person.  But it would have been even better if we didn’t have to deal with it.


More Opportunities, more toys

Reading Time: 3 minutes

Oh brother.  I have to say I’ve never been one to pass up a good bargain.  I’ve always said that it’s a good thing I don’t have an inexhaustible supply of money, because I’d end up with a warehouse full of BDSM toys.

I bought another toy that was on my bucket list last night.  Ever since I started using the computer to connect, I’ve also used it to watch porn.  And in my kink formative years, there always needed to be something with restraints in them.  Now rope restraints are all well and good, leather restraints do the job, but there’s nothing quite like seeing someone struggling in cold, hard steel restraints.  Just gets the juices flowing.  At least it does me.

When I was watching Insex during the late 90’s and early 2000’s, I was always floored at the cornucopia of metal toys that the owner of the site had.  I learned later that almost all of them were hand-made, forged from raw steel by a fellow who went by the alias ‘KGB’.  I’ve said many a time if Intersec/Insex ever had a garage (or estate) sale of the items that were made for the various websites, I’d be nearly the first in line.  You just can’t pass up good workmanship!  So, in the same vein over the years, I’ve been haunting sites that sell old gear, from people who have either gotten out of the scene, or want to make some quick cash selling things they don’t have a use for anymore.

I’ve been a member of Fetlife nearly from the beginning of that site.  I’ve also been a member of their ‘Kinky Items For Sale’ board for many years as well.  Certainly I’ve gotten more than a few good bargains from that board in that time, with people who have taken good care of their toys, but for one reason or another they either don’t wish to be active and want to re-home their past purchases, or they just don’t want them anymore.  For every person that wishes to sell their used panties (ew), there are people that want to part with quality floggers, restraints, bondage furniture and other goodies at fairly good prices.  Even better than eBay I’ve discovered, and way better than Craigslist (I’m continually reminded of the woman who posted for sale her late husband’s St. Andrew’s Cross, stating that it was a very fancy clothes hanger).

Certainly there are many places one can get forged steel toys, and even at better than average prices.  But when someone offers them at a discount, it’s sometimes a race to get it before someone else can contact them.  Which just happened to be the case last night.  Within about an hour and a half of the person posting them, I was able to broker a deal and purchased them.  Of course, with such a quick sealed deal, I have to be certain that they’re going to fit my pet.  But, that’s something that we can discover when she visits.  And if not, I can always resell them.  Because there’s always someone willing to buy.