• Weight: 282.6
• BP: 132/82

Commitment
And everything that goes with it
I need honor and love in my life from somebody
Who’s playin’ for keeps

A week ago, Miss and puppy had a long conversation over the phone, and it came up that puppy has been remiss about committing in many ways to what she and puppy have discussed about long term plans. In particular, puppy has been procrastinating about changing his Fetlife profile to indicate his submissiveness, instead of what has been his role previously.

Well, that stops today. puppy has decided to let the past be the past and start anew. He’s committed to going forward and being what he is, and that’s ok with him. He’s puppy, he’s hers as long as she wants him, and that should be sufficient. What puppy was before is important, it was part of him and always will be. It helped in his formation of who he is, but for now, that part needs to be left behind.

puppy is ready when you are Miss. Time to start working on the future.

• Weight: 283
• BP: 133/82

 There are certain words that for a lot of people cause reactions.  Typical ones in a relationship are ‘love’, ‘dear’, ‘baby’ and so on.  For puppy, one of the big ones is when Miss calls him ‘boy’.  He sees it as a term of endearment, or a reward for a task well accomplished. Seeing as puppy sees himself as a puppy, or pet, it takes on a dual meaning.

 For a long time in our conversations, the word didn’t come up.  And then one day, it did.  puppy doesn’t even remember the moment, but Miss just said “good boy” and this feeling of indescribable joy overcame puppy.  It was as if he’d been zapped by an electrical charge.  It felt so good, and it felt right too.  For that moment, puppy was a good boy, and quite honestly he just couldn’t wait to hear that again from her.  It was justification, pure and simple.

 That being said, puppy isn’t sure he wants to feel the ramifications of being a ‘bad boy’.

• Weight: 282.8
•  BP: Not measured today

puppy has been thinking all day about what to write here in this entry.  There have been several ideas running through his head from time to time during the day, should he write about an order that was made last Friday, that he needs to address in the next couple of days, or perhaps he should write about some of the other things running through his head in accordance with what is occurring in his life.  Miss said that this journal is a way for her to see into puppy a bit better, to get a feeling of his thought processes, how puppy thinks, and the more he can ‘<em>let his hair down'</em> the better she can get a feeling of him, and understand how he thinks, reasons and not have to ask so many questions when it comes time to predict what puppy might do, might say, or might act in the future.

puppy doesn’t always manage to have a case of writer’s block, but it appears to be the case right now.  Perhaps a bit of sleep will help to break the block, because the words are just not coming.

puppy and Miss had a conversation today, and Miss hit the nail on the head when she said that puppy was considering running after it.  The conversation ended up getting a little heated, and things were said that possibly shouldn’t have, but that’s what happens when tempers get a little railed, and emotions are high.

puppy doesn’t always have the best track record when it comes to relationships.  He’s been seriously in fewer than 10, and of them sexual partners in under 5.  For a puppy of 51 years, that’s probably getting down in the under 5% range of how it’s likely or <strong>supposed</strong> to go, puppy has friends both online and off that have had so many sexual partners they could field a football team.  Or several.  Not so with puppy.  His hormonal imbalance malady states that people with it are sort of, well uninterested in sex.  That pretty much fits puppy to a T.  It took him awhile in health class to understand the interaction between women and men.  The actual physical act of sex just didn’t make a lot of sense.  Too, puppy was taking artificial hormones at the time, and it had been suggested that he visit with a psychologist, but puppy didn’t see much reason to, so he didn’t.  Perhaps if he had, things might have turned out differently.  20-20 hindsight and all that.

Getting back to the results of the conversation, Miss had time to reflect after puppy went back to work, and puppy had time too, though he spent a lot of his time avoiding thinking about it, due to the fact that if he fixated on it he wouldn’t have  been able to get his paid work completed.  Upon finishing work he got an urgent message, Miss wanted to talk on the phone.  That message was followed up on Telegram (or preceded by) with several messages detailing how she was feeling, and that she felt she needed to talk.  Suffice it to say, puppy needed to speak to her as well.

The phone conversation was fairly typical for them both, but puppy felt the need to return to speaking first person to get his messages across, it just seemed a little easier to do so, and Miss was kind enough to let it go.  puppy regrets not asking permission to do so, kind of just rammed it through and the conversation continued.  Since Miss was still at work, there were a couple interruptions, but nothing terrible, and the conversation worked in both directions fairly well.  Miss and puppy seem to better understand one another, and puppy does hope that Miss understands just how important she is to him.  Even so, he doesn’t wish to jeopardize his relationship with either of the two important women in his life, Miss and his wife.  It’s a delicate balance, but puppy wants to make it work, and make it work long term.  Miss says that she’s certain this is all going to come to both of them, and it’s going to be wonderful.  puppy wants it to be, but it’s going to be a while in the making.  A bond is growing, and needs to be nurtured and fed, so it will grow appropriately.

puppy is starting to ramble, so it’s about time to say good night and go to bed.  puppy stayed up very late last night, was working on his journal design, and didn’t notice the time getting away from him.  Finally managed to go to bed around 1 am.  Since he has to be to work rather early tomorrow morning, that can’t be repeated.

One wonders sometimes where to begin.  Since this really isn’t the beginning, that started oh so very long ago, and is a story for another time.

 puppy has been required by his Miss to keep a journal, he’s permitted to decide what to put in it, but it must be kept day to day, every day.  puppy does tend to get verbose sometimes, but not always.  Consequently there are going to be entries that go on and on, and others that tend to <em>‘toe the line’</em> when it comes to length.

For now, so far as puppy is aware, he has an audience of one.  His Miss.  Perhaps in time there will be others added to the audience, that’s a decision that puppy leaves up to her.  In time she will be making more of the decisions, such is the nature of a Dominant/submissive relationship.  It’s a power shift, and one that puppy understands pretty well.  That being said, it’s been awhile since puppy has experienced it from the submissive side, so he’s got a lot of remembering, and relearning to do.  And learning new things, as there always are.

 puppy and Miss hit a small hiccup yesterday, when Miss decided to keep something from puppy, since he was at work, and it upset him a bit that she decided in that manner.  puppy expressed himself to her, that he’s an adult, and deserves to know things about his Miss’ well being.  Yes, she decided not to say anything until far after the fact, attempting to spare puppy from undue worry, but puppy was worrying anyway, since her communication appeared to be less than normal and that made puppy wonder why.  All in all, it turned out that there were things that needed discussing, and were discussed, and a better understanding was put in place; Miss can of course keep things from puppy as she wishes to, but her well being, just as puppy’s should be communicated as needed, not hid for fear of one or the other becoming overly concerned.

 Miss has been having some ongoing health problems, and that has been concerning puppy to some degree.  While puppy was required to detail last evening what ails him, Miss hasn’t necessarily done the same thing for puppy.  puppy is aware of the asthma, the nicotine addiction, some other aches and pains, but hasn’t really been brought it full circle to what ails his Miss.  Hopefully in time Miss will give puppy a similar list, so he has an idea of what to look out for in the future.  To puppy that seems important.

 puppy is never really sure what to write, how much to reveal, though he understands in time he’s supposed to reveal everything…and he will, now is just apparently about putting his thoughts into words, and then writing them down.  supposedly they don’t always have to make sense.  ramblings, musings and the like.

 there will be more tomorrow…about what puppy isn’t sure, but he trusts the process and he trusts his Miss.